Searching for answers to life's big questions

Yikes!  The last few weeks have really escaped me.  There have been many times of sweetness and trepidation as the last week of exams finished up and the celebrations (both for the end of first year, and Easter) began.  It's also been a bit of a time for looking inward, and trying to make some interesting choices about the way that I live my life and how much it coincides (or doesn't) with the way I want to.  In comparison to my typical midwifery-realted posts, this one is rather different, but equally important to me as I try to figure out life's "stuff".

On a superficial level, I can look at the big things in life and feel very satisfied.  I've figured out by now that I'm a go-getter.  I like that about myself.  I wanted to live in a beautiful forest with an awesome man, so I did it.  I wanted babies, so I did it.  I wanted a homebirth, so I did it (on the second try).  I wanted to be a doula, so I did it.  And now, I want to be a midwife, so I'm doing it.  Somehow, I also pulled all of these things off despite somewhat practical obstacles (namely time and money). 

But since time has become a valuable commodity in my life, which I could likely trace back to my daughter's birth, I've put some things, that are also incredibly important to me, on the back burner.  My partner and I walked into parenthood together conciously, but still new in our relationship together.  I was young, and hadn't yet lived away from home for a full year when Willow was born, and so there was a period of self discovery that found itself moving in a different direction when motherhood overshadowed a less practical, and more spiritual, sense of discovery that I was seeking. 

Before I got pregnant, actually, before my partner and I were even together, I had a kind of life altering experience.  A series of events probably ordained by some higher power snowballed into my finding a community of open-minded, sweet-hearted individuals (one of which included my future partner) and a new sense of spirituality.  On an outing with these people, in my first ever sweat lodge, I exited the lodge and fell to my knees, blacking out completely.  My scientific mind could speculate I was most likely dehydrated or experiencing shock from the hot lodge into the cold winter air, but I took it as something much deeper at the time.  When I came to, seconds later, the only thing that I could see in my vision was an eye, which slowly moved back to reveal an entire being, very similar to this one here on the left. Actually, this is the very place that I stumbled upon its image, and my breath nearly knocked out of me at the stark resemblance to my vision that this image had.  And still, I don't know which deity this image represents, only that it was on the cover of a Buddhist magazine.  Anyone who reads this and knows - please let me know!  That moment in time that I had that vision became a very important turning point in my life that opened up for all of the other things that I had wanted to manifest.  It became so important, symbolically, for me, that I had a modified image of it created for me and tattooed on my foot, so as to remind myself of the existence of "something else" and the conviction and spirituality that follows, when I needed a reminder.

This was the first time in my life that I was so acutely aware of my active spirituality, and I  nurtured it a lot through the year and a half that followed.  Then, I got pregnant.  My world came crashing down as my birth plans went out the door, and by the time I got out of the newborn haze (or retrospectively, maybe even postpartum depression), years had passed.  Somehow, I'd lost the time and conviction to do things that helped to keep me spiritually strong and connected to myself and my sense of spirituality.  I started to think of myself as athiest, not really genuinely believing in anything anymore except whatever was in front of me.  I've been aware of this neutral stance I've taken to life's big questions for some time, but didn't really care enough about it to do anything to change it. 

Last week, I heard a song pop up on my iPod that I hadn't really paid any attention to.  Similarly to the "vision", I wasn't expecting anything to hit me but there it did.  This song served as a reminder to me, since maybe I had gotten so used to the tattoo on my foot that I'd forgotten its meaning.  It reminded me about the sense of self that I had lost in the midst of trying to achieve other goals. And while I lamented on it, I realized how badly I need it in my life.  I can't even put my finger on what "it" is, perhaps just a general sense of inner knowing?  I've never in my adult life identified with a particular faith.  Interestingly, its also got a "vision" in its name.   

Mishka's Third Eye Vision

If there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that I don't believe in coincidence.  I'm looking forward to nurturing this questioning, seeking side of me once again.  I'm looking forward to taking those 5 minutes to meditate - or even better - taking the time to be more concious while I'm still busy.  I firmly believe that a midwife needs to have a strong sense of her spirituality.  Birth, life, is not something to be taken lightly.  It has strong spiritual intonations for many people, particularly those who are giving birth themselves. Acknowledging and respecting that in others is no longer enough for me.  I need to have it within myself to begin with, if not for anything than to revere birth in the proper way that it should be. 

Wish me luck!  :)  And if anyone has "the answers" to "life's big questions" - - I'd love to hear them!

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