To the midwives-to-be

Note:

I just found this in my archives.  I wrote it back in March, and meant to publish it, but didn't!  How weird is that?!  Anyway, I read over it and felt like it could still be useful to people so here it is, more than 6 months "overdue" :)

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That's it.  Just one week.  On Friday night at midnight, this girl is going off call and will never again be on call as a student.  That's pretty surreal.

The last few months have been a whirlwind.  I was determined to blog more often in this last semester but it just didn't happen.  I ended up following extra midwives over the course of the semester, which has been enormously enriching but also made for being even busier than before.  I actually even started keeping track of my hours, just to see.  Word of advice: don't do that.  It just gives you more leverage to feel sorry for yourself. (i.e. the slowest week I've had since I started doing that was 55 hours.  The buiest so far was 80 - and most of them lean more towards the busier side).

And now here I am almost done, with a lot to say and very little capacity to actually say it.
More than anything, this week I have reflected on what I would tell someone that was walking into the shoes that I wore at the beginning of this year. So I wanted today to share a few "pearls of wisdom" from the light at the end of the tunnel (which actually just feels like the beginning of another tunnel). 

#1.  I know, I've said it in almost every entry I've made in the last few years.  But please, don't forget to take care of yourself.  Make sure you enforce your need to do the things that you love. At least once a week!  Whether its exercising, or snuggling up with a good book, or whatever.  You need to do it.  I let that one go this semester (I  know, despite all of my preaching) but I paid for it again.  It's probably the most common mistake that midwifery students and midwives make, and I strongly believe carrying that habit over the long term is a recipe for burnout. 

#2.  Read the Policy and Information Handbook *very* carefully. It was created to give you guidance on expectations in the course.  It changes over the years.  It's meant to support you. It says very clearly that students are expected to have the clinical load of "slightly less than one midwife".  It lists your minimum and maximum numbers of births for each course, tells you the number of clinic visits you should be doing each week (15), and clearly states how much off call time you are entitled to (4 days per month).  Why is this important, you ask?  Because your preceptors may not pay as close attention to this - as they should'nt - because you are an adult learner and it is your responsibility to regulate your learning.  Many clinics are based on shared care models, where you are sharing your time between two or more midwives (who are probably not in constant communication about how many hours you're spending with each of them). In these scenarios, clinic loads may be high and birth numbers may also be high.  Its your responsibility as an adult learner to  make sure you are meeting expected requirements, to keep track of them for your own records, and to advise your preceptor(s) if you are going over or under these expectations.  The most important reason for this is that more often than not, the clinic/birth load in your placement will be higher than what is expected of you by the program.  

Ah, you say, so what?  I'll work hard, and then I'll play hard when the semester is over.  And the more I do, the more experience I will get!  I've heard that a lot lately, and while I understand it (at least theoretically, I have a lot of reasons to disagree with this (the most relevant personally being that because I'm a mom, my family responsibilities mean that when I work hard, I only have to work harder when it's "play" time)  First off, academic responsibilities are as important as clinical responsibilities.  Most semesters, "one half-day per week to prepare for assignments and tutorials" (given to us by the program) is *not* enough to meet academic responsibilities and expect to excel.  You might need more time than this sometimes, and you might not get it at your clinic if you haven't set the precedent that you are doing more than what is expected by the program of you.  Your preceptors probably won't even realize that you are doing too much unless you tell them, so this is a hard one to go back on.  As per my point #1, you also need to take care of yourself, and even with the guidelines you will feel overworked sometimes, so try to make sure you are balancing it when things are slow without feeling guilty.  But also, make sure to think about the next students that your preceptor is going to be teaching.  You might be able to handle a heavier workload, but the student that comes in after you're finished might have very young children, be caring for an aging parent, have a learning issue, be suffering from mental health concerns, or any other situation that might mean that she *needs* those guidelines to be able to make it through the program.  And your preceptors most recent experience, and the expectations that she will place on that student, will be the foundation that was set with you.   

#3 The last thing is - relish in those moments of success. I know sometimes it can feel overwhelming when your failures feel like they are outnumbering your successes.  It can be really therapeutic to go back to your evaluations from earlier courses and see how far you've come, how much you've really learned.  Save every encouraging evaluation or card you get from clients so that when you have a hard day, you've got a pile of evidence in front of you that you're actually GREAT and having just that - one hard day (or week). 

Settling in

Well, here we are.  It's been four  months since I've made a blog entry and trust me, it's not for lack of thinking about writing one.  The last few months have been very busy and hectic.  I started working at my new practice in July, which as you might remember from my last post was unbelievably overwhelming at first.  I'm very happy to report, though, that settling in didn't take very long and I have quickly come to find myself very comfortable there.  I'm feeling immensely lucky that I have found such a great practice that is supportive, friendly, and shares my agenda for what is most important to me in providing midwifery care.

Sadly, after a torrent battle with esophageal cancer, my Grampa - who was basically my father and mentor - passed away a few weeks later, with all of his closest family by his side.  I will forever be thankful that I could be counted among those people.  Time since then has had a strange way of moving - like molasses in the days that followed, and yet somehow one has to return to normal life as though nothing has happened.  He's the first person that I've ever loved that has passed away, so this journey into grief has been so painful but also full of discovery.  It's given me a deeper sense of compassion and understanding towards those who are dealing with their own grief.  I'm so thankful that he was with us as long as he was.  He's always been a bright star, with laughter and silly faces, even when everyone around him is glum.  I will miss his hugs the most.

About a month after he passed away, we moved. I'm so thankful for the friends that came to help us on that weekend, because I know it was far from an easy job.  Apparently a year and a half is *just about* enough time to forget how hard it is to move.  From the challenge of moving all the furniture, to the cleanup, and the going back to work two days later, it was a busy weekend.  I think the hardest part has been finding connections - luckily I know the people in my clinic but other than that we don't really know anyone around here.  It has been lonely at times, but I remember that feeling in Guelph as well and eventually we found our connections and it started to feel like home.  I'm hopeful that that feeling will come soon. 

 And now it's the end of October - I've had the whole month off call to sit back and relax unpack my basement.  It's been truly great to catch up on life, and yes I actually have had some time (for the first time since I was accepted into the program) where I could sit back and do *nothing* and not feel guilty about it.  I had the wonderful opportunity to go to a conference that renewed my passion for herbal remedies, was lucky enough to sit in on a day of a doula training with my favourite doula in the world and share space with a room full of keen and excited new doulas.  We also made it to my Grampa's special memorial, apple picking, Wonderland, my Mom's 50th birthday party.  It has been really nice to be avaiable and able to say "yes" to just about everything this month. 

It's also been a great opportunity for me to reflect on how lucky I am to be living my heart's desire and actualizing my dreams.  To know that now, we settle into "normal life" (for us), rather than coping with a constant stream of transitions - from classroom, to clinical and the hours it makes me keep, from practice to practice, from city to city.  Now we can relish in how far we've come in the last five years and start building new dreams  - like paying off debt  buying a house!  And travel!  And hopefully the strange version of stability that I've been waiting to be able to provide for the kids as far as financial and living arrangements go. 

Anyhow, it's Halloween, and the school bell will be ringing soon!  Snow is forecasted for this afternoon, which surprisingly is delightful to my Halloween-obsessed son.  It's time to get bundled up and get ready for a night of trick or treating (and maybe a cider or two for Mommy, since, you know, I'm still off call for three more days...)