The blank screen

Hmm.  I have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, and a peculiar craving for a very large chocolate bar.  I'm staring at a blank screen, pressing the refresh button every minute or so. 


Yep, must be the day that the placement choices are going to be posted!   

That damn placement lottery

Have you ever wondered what it is like for your life to be entirely ruled by something that is completely out of your hands?  To have little idea about any of the details of your life to come?  To wonder how you're going to deal the uncertainty of moving to a new community (whether or not its one that your family is okay with), finding new daycare, finding a new school, a new home...?

These thoughts consume me so much.  The placement lottery.  I thought I worried about it a lot in second year!  Maybe the memory has just faded a bit.  I got my first choice for that placement, so what is there to worry about, right? 

There's a lot, actually.  That placement was incredibly valuable, but it was too far away and I know I can't do another placement at that distance again. Actually, there's only one midwifery practice within 20 minutes of my home, which means for us that our whole family moves if I don't get the placement.  We move from the same space of land that my husband and I fell in love on.  The same one that my son was born on.  The same community that we've spent the last 10 years in.  The same school that my daughter's been going to for four years now.  I like change, and I could use a bigger home, but I really don't want to leave my home town.  It hurts thinking about it.  But I know the chances are big that we'll have to, since I dont even know if that one midwifery practice is going to be taking students at all, let alone that I'd land up as the lucky one to get it. 

And so, I sit and wait, and try not to think about it as much as possible.  In about 6 weeks, we'll know.  And I'll have a couple of months wokring out the details of how we'll move out of the only life we've ever known together.  (Or a couple of months to celebrate!)  Hopefully, though, I'll be celebrating anyway.  After all, wherever we're going is clearly where we're meant to be.

The honeymoon is over

For the last number of years, I have spent almost every waking moment eating and breathing midwifery and school.  Not only since I've been in school the last two and a half years, but for a couple of years before that while I was collecting my prerequisites, doula-ing, and generally obsessing about midwifery.  Birth was seeping out of my pores at every moment.  I wanted to soak up absolutely everything I possibly could about anything that remotely had something to do with pregnancy or childbirth. My idea of a great night was one where I was by myself writing an essay or reading a book by Ina May Gaskin.  It was the only thing I was able to talk about with anyone, ever. (Okay, maybe that last point sometimes still holds true). 

I can honestly say now, that the honeymoon is over.  I'm still hungry for knowledge.  I still love midwifery with every fibre of my being, and I'm still willing to walk to the ends of the earth for its sake and its mission.  But I've finally accepted that I can't be a balanced person if I eat, drink, sleep, and breathe midwifery. (As if! it took me this long to figure out!) 

I realized at the end of my OB placement how much that semester had worn me out.  Really, looking back on the content and the placements, the responsibilities were much lighter than what came before it.  But being immersed in foreign environments and brand new learning material all the time can be stressful, and the social interactions that accompany it can be very draining.  I felt like I was constantly explaining midwives, their scope, and of course defending homebirth.  It gets really tiring after a whole semester of doing this.  I gave my studies less attention than I usually do because I could feel the need for balance. Placement got so intense by the end that I felt the rumblings of depression - a face I hadn't looked at for over 10 years.  It wasn't pretty and its made me remember that I absolutely MUST care for myself!  Having a shower, going to bed early, going to the gym, or going out for a date are NOT luxuries.  They are necessities!  And they should happen as often as possible so you can remain a happy person.  Even if that means getting a B instead of an A.  Even if that means missing your favourite client's birth sometimes!  Because nobody has any use for a burnt out midwife with no happiness left in her because she has overworked herself. 

Seriously, I love vacation now.  I'm rolling around in vacation and rubbing it all over my face and jumping up and down in it.  I'm soaking in the greatness of my family and friends and not thinking...as much... about midwifery!  And it feels good.  We had a great Winter Solstice, a great Christmas, a great New Years, and my little bub is turning four on Friday, so we'll be having more fun to come before the semester starts back up.  I'm so glad for these breaks now.  I used to dread them.  I used to hate them when they came!  But now, I stopped the daycare for the winter holidays (oh my god!  I haven't written ANY essays for the course that hasn't started yet!  YES I used to do that!) and am trying to go with the flow around here as best as we can. Its super! 

Next semester is going to be a breeze (comparatively speaking), I can just feel it.  My first placement is an elective - working on policy documents with the College of Midwives (which I get to do virtually through the wonders of the internet), followed by a month-long "virtual placement", and then a month with a naturopath in my home town!  The course for this semester weighs heavily on a 10 page paper that I'm already excited about writing, since I'll have more time to write it while I'm NOT!  Commuting!  At all!!  Nor am I on call at all!  Nor am I working nights at all!  I may not get this much time off call again in my entire working life, so I am going to LOVE it while it's here. 

So yes!  My honeymoon with midwifery is over.  I'm not obsessed with it (as much).  It's not the only thing I can think about.  And I can carry on perfectly normal conversations with people that don't involve vagina's or babies at LEAST half of the time (hahaha!).  I still love it, but I'm learning, bit by bit, to balance my interests to protect all of the things that I love. 

End note:  Hopefully my obsession with midwifery doesn't weird everyone out.  My main reason for writing about this is because I'm dealing with a work-family-play balance that many of us have difficulties with.  It's scary to admit to these problems sometimes, but it feels good identifying them and getting over them, too.