A turning point

Today was such a great day.  The last few days, I've been able to get a sense of accomplishment with what I've done over my time off, tying up loose ends, getting all my paperwork in order for the college, and hospital privileges.  I've always said, the month between placements is absolutely evil.  I spend the first 3 weeks recovering; then I spend 1 week learning how to be myself again (the real myself, not the "doing whatever anyone wants me to be because I'm a student" self - which admittedly often involves some growing pains that take the form of defiance).  And then its over and I'm back in knee deep.  I'm 4 weeks into my time off now (I think).  And I've got over a month before I'll go back on call.  I'm in "rediscovery" mode.  And loving the level of introspection that I'm allowing myself.

Today, for the first time in a long long time, I let my guard down for the entire day.  Not the guard that protects you from people or bad things happening.  The guard that I build myself to protect me from time.  And most particularly, from "wasting" it.  Over these years I have become very focused on using my time well, and becoming more efficient or productive (something that's particularly important as a young midwife because your thought processes work slowly at first and it takes longer to come to certain conclusions than it does for more experienced practitioners).  I allowed myself a moment to wonder, why do I feel this need to be so "productive" all the time in my life?  And what do I use to define productivity?  And most importantly, why do I let that take away from my ability to enjoy my life? 

I turned 29 a couple of weeks ago, which has caused me to look beyond, to the big 3-0.  And when I reflect on it, I think that I have made a lot out of my twenties!  I've got two kids and a supportive family.  I've got an amazing partner who has been able to follow his dreams and has enabled me to follow my own.  We've built an ever-growing support network of people around us, near us, and supporting us, who I can use no other word to describe except AWESOME. A great home.  A promising career.  The list goes on and on. 

Why, then, do I spend most of my days focused inward on what I don't like about what is happening?  If I'm perfectly honest, I'm usually so focused on what could be done *better* that I don't ALLOW myself to enjoy how great things already are!  I haven't been allowing myself to get swept up in the moment and JUST BE.  Just play!  Just enjoy the outdoors!  Just enjoy the company of other people!

Like I was THERE. (Hillside 2012)

Well, today I did.  I dropped in on a friend and he asked me to stay for coffee and my brain did the usual - "Melissa, its a long drive home, and you only have two days of childcare this week and you should really get this and that and the other thing done before its over".  And instead, I listened to the OTHER voice that said "Yes!!  I would really really LOVE to!"  I know it probably sounds silly to some people, but maybe to those couple who get where my brain has been at, it makes sense.  And I let that feeling last the rest of the day.  Got swept up in some "low-key spontaneity".  Enjoyed the moment.  And (to appease the other side of my brain) - the "stuff" still got done!  The only difference is I *ENJOYED* it. 

Lots of little messages fell into place for me today.  And they all culminated in me realizing that my next life lesson - which is the one I've been trying to learn all along but haven't had the mental capacity to learn anything else - is to learn how to step back, slow down, and enjoy life more.  Not a little more.  But a lot more.  Because really, how we spent the moments of our day, becomes how we spend our lives. 



Also, for some extra motivational reading, I stumbled upon the blog of a wonderful midwife today, local to an area that I once called home, today, whose words were one of those messages that helped things fall into place for my brain space today.  Highly recommended reading!