The honeymoon is over

For the last number of years, I have spent almost every waking moment eating and breathing midwifery and school.  Not only since I've been in school the last two and a half years, but for a couple of years before that while I was collecting my prerequisites, doula-ing, and generally obsessing about midwifery.  Birth was seeping out of my pores at every moment.  I wanted to soak up absolutely everything I possibly could about anything that remotely had something to do with pregnancy or childbirth. My idea of a great night was one where I was by myself writing an essay or reading a book by Ina May Gaskin.  It was the only thing I was able to talk about with anyone, ever. (Okay, maybe that last point sometimes still holds true). 

I can honestly say now, that the honeymoon is over.  I'm still hungry for knowledge.  I still love midwifery with every fibre of my being, and I'm still willing to walk to the ends of the earth for its sake and its mission.  But I've finally accepted that I can't be a balanced person if I eat, drink, sleep, and breathe midwifery. (As if! it took me this long to figure out!) 

I realized at the end of my OB placement how much that semester had worn me out.  Really, looking back on the content and the placements, the responsibilities were much lighter than what came before it.  But being immersed in foreign environments and brand new learning material all the time can be stressful, and the social interactions that accompany it can be very draining.  I felt like I was constantly explaining midwives, their scope, and of course defending homebirth.  It gets really tiring after a whole semester of doing this.  I gave my studies less attention than I usually do because I could feel the need for balance. Placement got so intense by the end that I felt the rumblings of depression - a face I hadn't looked at for over 10 years.  It wasn't pretty and its made me remember that I absolutely MUST care for myself!  Having a shower, going to bed early, going to the gym, or going out for a date are NOT luxuries.  They are necessities!  And they should happen as often as possible so you can remain a happy person.  Even if that means getting a B instead of an A.  Even if that means missing your favourite client's birth sometimes!  Because nobody has any use for a burnt out midwife with no happiness left in her because she has overworked herself. 

Seriously, I love vacation now.  I'm rolling around in vacation and rubbing it all over my face and jumping up and down in it.  I'm soaking in the greatness of my family and friends and not thinking...as much... about midwifery!  And it feels good.  We had a great Winter Solstice, a great Christmas, a great New Years, and my little bub is turning four on Friday, so we'll be having more fun to come before the semester starts back up.  I'm so glad for these breaks now.  I used to dread them.  I used to hate them when they came!  But now, I stopped the daycare for the winter holidays (oh my god!  I haven't written ANY essays for the course that hasn't started yet!  YES I used to do that!) and am trying to go with the flow around here as best as we can. Its super! 

Next semester is going to be a breeze (comparatively speaking), I can just feel it.  My first placement is an elective - working on policy documents with the College of Midwives (which I get to do virtually through the wonders of the internet), followed by a month-long "virtual placement", and then a month with a naturopath in my home town!  The course for this semester weighs heavily on a 10 page paper that I'm already excited about writing, since I'll have more time to write it while I'm NOT!  Commuting!  At all!!  Nor am I on call at all!  Nor am I working nights at all!  I may not get this much time off call again in my entire working life, so I am going to LOVE it while it's here. 

So yes!  My honeymoon with midwifery is over.  I'm not obsessed with it (as much).  It's not the only thing I can think about.  And I can carry on perfectly normal conversations with people that don't involve vagina's or babies at LEAST half of the time (hahaha!).  I still love it, but I'm learning, bit by bit, to balance my interests to protect all of the things that I love. 

End note:  Hopefully my obsession with midwifery doesn't weird everyone out.  My main reason for writing about this is because I'm dealing with a work-family-play balance that many of us have difficulties with.  It's scary to admit to these problems sometimes, but it feels good identifying them and getting over them, too.