Another summer day....

 has come and passed.  The breeze is cooling and the end of the summer is approaching.

In all honesty, I spent most of my time in school dreading this summer.  It is the only long period of time that I will have off throughout the entire program.  For someone like me, who has increasingly identified myself as a bit of a workaholic, this was terrifying.  I figured out a long time ago that I'm not cut out for stay-at-home parenting.  Four months of it felt like a bit of a nightmare.

And then April came along in placement.  In my last two weeks of placement, I attended 9 births.  What a way to go out with a bang!  And what a way to make me really appreciate the benefits of a long vacation.  By the end of it, despite the amazing variety of mostly positive birth experiences I got to witness in that long string of births, I was exhausted, drained, and desperate for sleep and a good meal (or ten!).  The day my summer vacation started, was the day I stopped dreading it.

We have made it work so far.  The kids have been in daycare part time, which gives me a chance to do a little bit of work and allow myself the space to get other things done that I had completely let go of last semester.  And here we are in August and I feel all caught up. Dare I say, I'm almost starting to feel an inkling of excitement for third year to begin.  But not before I get some more fun out.  Oh, and a few births, but that's beside the point.

This summer, I've had to very realistically reflect on how the midwifery lifestyle impacts my life.  When I was entering the program, I felt like I had a good handle on what it would be like - after all, I had been a doula for a number of years and was used to being on call and making backup childcare arrangements.  But the midwifery lifestyle is much more demanding than the one I led as a doula, and it is particularly demanding for students.  Students, who need as much experience as they can get, get very few days off and (if they're lucky) will be very busy on the days that they are on.  I know this, and I accept and eve love this, but it is much more difficult in practice than it is in theory. 

I have grown used to the unpredictability of birth and midwifery already.  It feels selfless, it feels purposeful. I know it is making a difference in people's lives. I've grown incredibly fond of it.  Although it has its dark moments, I look forward to hearing from clients.  I enjoy not knowing where I will be an hour from now.  I love surprises, the spontaneity of picking up and changing everything.

My family, however, does not.  Throughout the course of my studies last semester, I grew to learn that no amount of preparation I did could have prepared my family for what it was really like.  It wasn't my absence - they anticipated that.  They knew I would be away much more than I'd be home, and they knew I'd need to rest much of the time that I was home.  No, it wasn't how busy I was.  It was how unpredictable it was. 


I can't say how many times I arrived home just in time for dinner, only to get paged away 20 minutes later, kids on my lap.  Or right in the middle of the bedtime routine.  Or just as I'm preparing them for the morning.  People, I cannot stress it enough - prepare your family for this.  Make them read this if you want!  It is so important. 

Kids are so resilient, though.  They got used to Daddy doing just about everything for them - he cooked them dinner pretty much every day, put them to bed most nights, took them to school and daycare, made lunches. Everything that they were used to me doing, or at least used to us sharing.  My partner pulled through for me in so many ways, and I know (because I know him) that he will continue to do so, but it is not easy for him!  Many of us midwifey folk have discussed trying to band our men together so that they can form a support network of deserted midwife husbands. And while I was aware that he was struggling a great deal during my placement, it wasn't until I was off and had the time and energy to check in with him that I realized just how hard it had hit him.  Our relationship had become extremely fragile because amidst how busy I was, and my efforts to compensate for it by taking over household chores and childminding while I was home, I had nothing left at all to put into our relationship.  The result is that we found ourselves in a crisis.

And so, this summer, our partnership has been the real focus.  Sure, I've caught up on chores and fun with the kids.  But most of my transformative energy has been put into building steel bonds with the man who has proven himself to be the backbone that holds me (and our entire family) up when I feel I might crumble to the ground.  The crisis that we found ourselves in allowed us to realize that we don't just need eachother, but we want to be there for eachother and understand one another better, always.